Gay Husbands: If You Even SUSPECT, then—

Okay, the research is in full force and effect.  There’s a lot of stuff there, and I think it’s good stuff, that will confirm your suspicions if you have them.  But one piece of advice stuck out as so smart and informed that I wanted to get it down here as soon as possible.

Now look.  I know what you’re going to think when you read this.  You’re going to say, “Well, that seems harsh.  Why not wait until afer I know for sure?”  There is no reaching someone who justifies or excuses behavior away, so go back to Google and try again.  For the women that are reachable and teachable, I tell you this:

EVEN BEFORE YOU ARE ENTIRELY CERTAIN WHETHER OR NOT YOUR HUSBAND IS GAY, AT THE VERY LEAST START HAVING PROTECTED SEX!  If he is cheating, let alone cheating with another man, he is probably trying to keep this behavior on the “down low.”  If that’s the case, making sure that you’re safe and protected is of paramount importance, even if you’re not already certain he’s cheating on you with another man.

Get me?  “I caught him watching porn, but that’s all.”  Fine.  Protect yourself.  Until his guilt or innocence can be established, it is not too early to keep yourself from being the victim of a tragic disease.

Man.  I’m learning a lot.  I’ll be sharing the rest of it with you soon.  But this, this thing about safety.  It needs to get out there loud and often.

More soon.

~ by formerlygay on April 3, 2008.

6 Responses to “Gay Husbands: If You Even SUSPECT, then—”

  1. I have never had a woman ask me advice on whether her husband is gay or not. If that happens I would give her the same advice you did, to ask her husband to use protection immediately. Of course, that WILL bring up the topic immediately and the situation will almost certainly explode. If there is real trust in the relationship the husband would be glad to tell the wife the whole truth. If she is fully persuaded that he is not actually cheating on her then they don’t need to worry, but the topic MUST become a regular part of their conversations.

    For me it is more common for a man with SSA to ask me advice on marrying a woman. What I say is to make your struggle very clear to that woman. Tell her the whole story. Make sure she talks to wives of other men in that situation. Often that will be the end of the relationship, but if she chooses to continue, she should proceed with her eyes wide open!

  2. The advice for the wife to ask the man to use protection is probably good for any woman who thinks her husband could possibly be cheating on her. It’s a sad situation. Of course, just because a man is SSA doesn’t mean he’s more likely to cheat, but if he’s keeping such a deep personal struggle a secret, he could also be keeping many other things a secret. Again, I think it’s best for SSA men and future wives to enter marriages knowing fully about each others’ struggles. Those marriages can exist. There are men and women out there who won’t ditch a potential spouse just because they are SSA.

  3. I know a woman whose husband only “came out” to her because he was diagnosed with HIV. Thankfully, they had stopped having any sex at all years before that. Which brings up the most telltale sign of all – if your husband doesn’t like your personal anatomy he’s just not a heterosexual. All of the straight men I know would climb the highest mountain and swim the deepest river for a chance to play with some girly bits. If your husband is, like, “Not tonight, dear, Have a headache”, all the time, then it’s time to start checking the computer browser history for gay porn. Denial can get you killed.

  4. Hello Collier!
    This was the thing that surprised me the most in my research and seemed, at first, a little counter-intuitive. Use protection? Isn’t that going to cause a situation that will bring the suspicions out on the open? (What’s the potential for violence here?)

    But, as the woman I’ve been reading have pointed out, that’s generally not a problem anyway. But on those instances where he has to steel himself to face a woman’s “girly bits” then he’s going to need to use protection.

    If he’s lying about his orientation, that doesn’t mean he’s going to be honest about anything else. He’s afraid. And that fear could kill you.

    Even if you’re not sure, use protection!

    Thanks for chiming in Collier. Anyone else?

  5. There are too many of them gays. What the gays do be doing is using us women for sex and then seceretly filmin’ it. The only thing to do with a hetero-sexually challenged husband is to chop off his schlong. Good work writin’, couldn’t do it better myself.

  6. well here goes…the psych term for living secretly in two worlds is called “disassociation”. It is one of many elements of Denial.

    The people involved completely separate each world into it’s own little compartment. They “disassociate” one world from another- It is their brains way (denial) of being able to handle the hurt, lies, guilt and whatever else they’re dealing with. Cultural pressure to conform is huge, and denial is strong. It can be quite convincing…for a bit. (see Bonnie Kaye, Gay husbands)
    Most handle it adequately for a while, but the distant behavior, and stress of hiding, sets up a dominoe effect that travels through the family, especially with children. The preferred outcome of course, is honesty, with personal safety in mind, especially if the subject is using alcohol/drugs as a coping /denial mechanism. This is not an easy path, and be prepared for an episode of physical (sexual) aggressiveness that the subject uses to “dissassociate” themselves from gay sex, when panicked. This of course is tragic, and can result in unwanted pregnancy or std’s. Better to be careful, and move on with your life in a happy direction with yourself and your children. It will open you up to love, and perhaps even with a new spouse!
    Best of luck to you, God bless!

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