You Want Me To Tell Jesus…WHAT?!?!

I’m reading this book by Mario Bergner called SETTING LOVE IN ORDER.  I have nitpicks with the book, and sometimes the information in it seems intensely personal and specific just to him, but other times he lets loose with something that challenges me so hard I have to stop and work on that bit and try and digest it before I move on.  Sometimes I’m successful.  Other times, I have indigestion.  And sometimes, I just can’t keep it down and need to come back to it later.

I don’t know where the hell he got into this, but in chapter 6, page 125, we find the following:

Then I ask them to pull from their minds, one by one, each diseased sexual act and symbol contained in their sexual fantasy.  As they give these to Jesus in prayer, I encourage them.  “Describe in detail to the Lord all the meaning this aspect of your sexual fantasy holds for you.  Tell Him also all the feelings this elicits from you.”  We continue praying until every detail of the sexual fantasy has been given to the Lord.

Uh.  Okay.

I brought this up with K., a friend who has struggled with this problem, and his response was: “Do you believe that God knows you intimately?  That the Holy Spirit dwells within every part of you?  Then God knows those fantasies and what they represent in your life.  You can’t tell him anything He doesn’t already know.”

I thought about this for precisely .0005 nanoseconds and responded, “Yeah, okay, I get that.  Still doesn’t mean that I’m comfy discussing blow jobs with Jesus.”

Further thoughts: this represents, for me, some of the darkest, scariest stuff in my recovery.  I know that there is BigAssPain(tm) somewhere deep down in there that is the root of all of this.  I also know that going in there and spelunking in the dark most recesses of the psyche is not always the most profitable thing.  Sometimes when you go down there looking for monsters, not only do you find them but you may end up bringing them back up to the surface.

I don’t mind admitting that the process sometimes scares the hell out of me.  You don’t get to this point without a lot of heavy baggage that Satan wants to use to scare you out of committing your life to Christ one thousand percent and I have tons of it.  Getting to that point, where Satan is defanged, is going to take some heavy lifting of those monsters and a lot of what’s under there hurts already, and we have yet to get to the good stuff.

K. tells of another story in the book that he’s been through himself and he’s willing to go through with me.  Starting at p. 45, “No room at the Inn,” Mario goes through a process with people in his group who go through the sins, hurts, and areas of unforgiveness in Mario’s life.  The problems he states are huge — he is the son of immigrant parents and they were treated with insane levels of hatred and derision.  I mean, I have issues of tension and distrust with some individuals; Mario had baggage with entire countries of people.   The French.  The Canadians.  The Americans.  But one by one, these people loved Mario through his crap, prayed and confessed him through it, and were dogged and relentless about his healing.

K. says that he went through it and the process took about six hours.  It was hard.  It was painful.  But he also got through it all and Satan’s accusasions are now officially defanged.

I want that.  I really want that.  You should hear, as Anne Lamott calls it, the sheer levels of K-Fucked Radio going through my head.  Seriously: Accusations from the Enemy, all talk, all now.  Our phone lines are open.  1-800-doyoubelievewhathedid?

The challenge has been set before me and the bar has been raised.  Can I jump that high?  No doubt.  I’m sure I can.  I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.  It’s the dismount that’s gonna be a bitch.

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~ by WriterRand on January 19, 2006.

4 Responses to “You Want Me To Tell Jesus…WHAT?!?!”

  1. one of the things that i was asked to do in a “recovery” class was to go back to the most painful place in my past and ask Jesus where He was when that was happening to me. Ask why He didn’t protect me.

  2. That’s equally tough. It’s hard to find the black hole in one’s soul where all that’s good and light gets pulled inside. It’s another thing to walk up to the edge of it and ask questions of it.

    I’m not sure I want to go there. I’m not sure I’m going to like what I find inside although I’m strong enough now to go do that and not be decimated by what is there. I know who I am now. I see the parts of me that were lost in this so long ago and I grieve some for the years that the locusts have consumed.

    But I also know that God restores, that God loves, that He heals, cares, and can restore everything lost in a matter of seconds, hours, weeks, years, and it can be so much better. I truly believe that again. I got lost for a little while in the arms of someone so much less than Him. I won’t make that mistake again. Okay, maybe I will if I don’t spend time finding out more about the man God wants me to be and to be at peace with the good things, even the great things. That is the solution for the grieving over one’s lost darkness. You see the dark, you grieve some…and then you put it the fuck behind you and you MOVE ON.

    This is my time to do precisely that.

  3. Wow. That was incredibly inspiring. Do you suppose that the Holy Spirit wants to take place of the fulfillment we want our sexual fantasies to be? I mean after you’ve masturbated don’t you have sort of an empty gutless feeling? The living water doesn’t end in that feeling. I’ll admit. I’m a virgin. I hope you don’t see me as innocent when I tell you that. (It’s written that Jesus considers lusting after another man’s wife as adultery.) but is sex the same way? I mean, do you get sort of an emptiness when it’s done? A sort of sex hangover? I hope my question doesnt disturb you. Living in the Holy Spirit doesn’t end in a hangover from my experience. Have you ever read the great divorce? It’s a story by C.S. Lewis. He tells about a lizard whispering sexual fantasies into the mind of a ghost man who can’t experience the joys of heaven until he allows the lizard to be destroyed. The Heavenly being who is ready to destroy the lizard explains to the man how his sexual fanatsies are a sort of false intimacy which prevents him from experiencing the joys of reality…the joys of heaven. The man eventually consents to the lizard being destroyed. It is a very painful experience for him. Sounds similar to how your friend went through a painful experience on his confession. Well, when the lizard is destroyed, it transforms into a giant stallion. the man also begins to transform into a beaming solid person (he was a ghost before) and he rides the stallion into the mountains. There’s also a song by Rich Mullins Hold Me Jesus. Do you know the story behind it? Rich was in Amsterdam and saw practically naked women everywhere. He wrote the song in his hotel room that night. There’s a line in it that I totally relate to: “surrender don’t come natural to me. I’d rather fight you for something I don’t really want than to take wha You give that I need.”
    What would you think if there was a sight that people confessed their sexual fantasies on? Do you think it would cause people to masturbate in front of thier computer instead of surrender to the Master? I don’t know. I’m thinking about making a sight like that. It would be more for myself than anything, but I’m afraid it might do more harm than good. What do you think?

  4. Dear Genderqueer:

    I don’t know that such a site would be useful as a blindly open sort of thing. The possibility of abuse of the site would be intense and you’d have to have stories held for moderator approval before posting.

    But the bigger question I have, I guess, is what such a thing would accomplish for the reader. When I was in the darkest throes of my homosexuality, I would get turned on by the wildest things. (I discovered, later, that it was more the *emotional* components of those things that I found stimulating.) Again, all this is in the creation, the moderatrion and execution of a well-founded purpose. I wouldn’t peruse such a thing for fear of letting things in that might be distracting. (Now if those confessions included how Christ came in and showed them how they were His image-bearer and the inherent worth in that — well, then. That’s another story.

    As for the sex and the emptiness: yeah, it was a true hangover. Especially the bathhouses. You go and find anonymous sex, deal with the intense rejection, and occasionally when you’d find a bunch of guys to mess around with, you suffer the emptiness of all that intimate contact, yet going home alone, without any true intimacy. And the addictive nature of that behavior — having something as intense and intimate as sex — just made the pain and hangover (as you put it) all the worse.

    You’re a virgin! Hallelujah! But I have to ask: what’s with the *screenname*? I only found out what a genderqueer was a couple of weeks ago and I hope you can understand why I’m naturally concerned. 😉

    Much love. Welcome.

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