Where Have You Been?

I love the movie Chocolat.  If I were the King of the World, I would buy you all copies.

The movie is far more liberal than Paris of the time (and that’s saying something!) but if you’re watching the movie Chocolat for the chocolate itself, you’re missing the point.  Chocolate is a metaphor for every good thing that we deny ourselves for no good reason.  It is a movie about piety but not holiness.  It is about a life lived for religion and not lived on its own terms.

After watching it last night, a strange strange thing happened to me.  I had prayed for a revelation, a lightening, a tasting of life again after feeling so tired and disconnected from it.  I got a good whiff of it through this movie, though I know there is more to come.  I got a chance to see what my spirit used to be like, and what it could be again with God’s healing touch.

All I know is that in being gay I was limited.  I sought relief from the questions that burned and the deeds that were done, repented of and apologized for, and I kept paying for over and over again.  I sought it in the arms of other men, looking for my father, wanting someone to protect and defend me, someone, ANYONE?!? and knowing that that perfect lover, the perfect Mr. Right who would have all of my answers and never ever hurt me, was always elusive and never captured.  Always in the dream, but never the daylight.

I came close once, but now he is gone.  In the arms of another.

But you can be damn sure he knows the gospel.  And that was the final act of love, the final cutting of the cord.  I think somewhere, somehow he understands that in order for me to FULLY be the person that God intends, I need to carve away everything that isn’t the statue.  He wasn’t the statute.

The heart that I found and then lost is now found again.  I remember much of who I was and I liked that person before the pain started to collect around my heart like dew that would never evaporate.  With God’s help, I’d really like to meet that man again.  I think he’s the one who might someday find a woman.  I think when that man stops looking to other men for that security, safety and validation, he might finally become one.  One worthy to be called God’s.

I’m so excited about life and what it might become.

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~ by WriterRand on January 24, 2006.

2 Responses to “Where Have You Been?”

  1. you sound wistful, is it for love lost or self lost?

  2. That’s a good point, worthy of a whole post. See the next post for an answer.

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