Mr. Right

Whether they know it or not, most gay men are looking for a Mr. Right.  There is a fantasy lover out there that, like straight men, will be the one they’ll spend the rest of their lives with.  The house, the yard, the white picket fence.

Mr. Right is perfect.  Mr. Right is hung like a bull moose and always gets you off.  Mr. Right is a good and faithful lover, protector, confidante, friend.  He wants sex just as many times a day as you do.  Sex is always good.  You have the same interests, spend all your time together, and even talk about having children together and all the problems that being gay parents will present.

You will never attain that fantasy lover.  Why?

That lover is you.

More specifically, that fantasy lover contains almost all the characteristics that you feel, deep down, that you lack.  Physical attributes that you wish you had.  Desires, dreams, directions — things you feel you need on a deep, almost subconscious level.  Look at him.  Really look at him.  See if I’m not right.

I thought I had him at one point, but I discovered that Mr. Right came with a whole lot of faults of his own.  Sure, we had a lot of sex.  But in the morning, he woke up grumpy and fussy and sometimes sex was more like an endurance test.  He worked a lot and expected me to be the “wife” instead of equals.  He kept his body up, sure, but you wanna spend your time eating chicken breast and brown rice and spinich?  Don’t get me wrong, we had good times.  We went places and did things.

But deep down inside, there was this hunger.  This desire, this itch that I didn’t understand.  Something was wrong, something felt bad and wrong and I didn’t understand what it was.  I had Mr. Right.  He was human in all the ways that were irritating and real and human, more than my fantasy could handle.  He was faithful, as was I, but after a while I wanted more.  I missed seeing other chubby chasers, I missed the wild nights of finding someone to hook up with.  I wanted…I wanted…I WANTED.  As much time as I spent with my boyfriend, the more I was paranoid that he would cheat on me.  I was paranoid that he’d find a cuter chubby man and leave me.  Deep down, I began to understand that I wanted more, and thought that to fulfill that want, I needed to go sleep around.

Soon, another truth began to emerge.  I began to understand that longing, that wild hunger.  I began to understand that I did not really need a man.  I needed to become one.

That’s when the journey really began.  That’s when I realized just how wrong things were.  God said, nearly audibly, that if things were that wrong, maybe I need to go back to the beginning, when things were really right.  That’s when I found Mars Hill and that’s where I met God in a way more real and deep and profound than I’ve ever known Him before.

It’s not all perfect.  Lately those desires have been hounding me something wicked.  But now I understand them.  I’m brave enough to tell the Father about them and the things about them that I wanted, and He’s kind and merciful and helps me quench that hunger and look forward to a day where, if He’s gracious enough, I might become the man I’ve always fantasized about.

Huh.  I didn’t intend to write my testimony when I started this, but it’s a good portion of it.  If you’re reading this and dealing with that desire, ask questions.  Tell me.  Comment here.  This blog isn’t just to write my opinions.  Opinions are like assholes.  Everyone has one.  This is meant to be a place where we can begin some dialogue.

Talk to me.

~ by WriterRand on December 13, 2006.

4 Responses to “Mr. Right”

  1. As a ex-lesbian (my journey began a year and a half ago), I totally get how you speak of “the hunger”. I have a constant want within me…a want that screams “MORE!” One night, while I was on vacation with my lover in Florida, I watched her as she slept, and I said to myself, “This is exactly what you’ve wanted.” Still, in the midst of my fantasy come true, I tried desperately to fill that “void” by escaping into a fantasy about another woman. Seriously, the constant want totally sucks. It can be very overpowering at times, but as each day goes by, I’m learning. God is continously changing me, despite the fits I seem to have every other day. Great post.

  2. I could never figure out what the problem was. Sex four times a day sometimes. Studly guy, but not shy about the hugs and kisses and wild times. So what’s the deal? I really tamped down that conflict for the longest time. Then when I figured out I was really longing for the man I wanted to become, it all changed. Doesn’t mean I still don’t want to be with a man; on the contrary, sometimes with the meds I’m on it’s all I can think about. But I try and replace that fantasy man with myself, and try to see myself as that which I desire most. I realize this is what God wants for me: to be that person I perverted and sexualized. It’s lousy, isn’t it, when you realize that your fantasy is so much less than the need?

    Welcome Rheeb. And thanks for the note.

  3. Thank you for this post. I share these feelings of wanting another man to love me and make me feel complete, and as you say this fantasy man has the attributes i wish i had – the attributes of a real man. And if this real man would love me then i would feel like more of a real man too. But i suspect that what I actually want is too much to expect from someone, that people are too unreliable and i am too selfish, and so i am hoping that it is god who can satisfy that in me! Im not totally sure how, but i know i have a choice of seeking the man – and filling my sense of lack with him, or seeking god – and hoping that he, as my creator, knows how to make me feel whole.

    But the god path seems much slower and the man path, laced with sex, is a constant craving. So I am glad to have discovered your blog and this post which shows that in the long run the craving will not be satisfied by making that choice.

  4. Amen, Justin. I will pray that God will lead you to a place of brutal honesty so that you can look at that perfect lover with new eyes and figure out why he’s so enticing…and that God will begin to develop those things in you that you feel you lack.

    Much love, brother. Welcome to the blog.

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