The Defense of a Thousand Little Lies

I came to a strange understanding a few days ago.  Not an acceptance of the situation, mind you, but an understanding of it.

I have a friend who is also a Christian who also deals with issues of same sex attraction.  I’ve noticed over the time that I’ve known her, the details of her homosexual issues change.  A lot.  Not all at once, mind you, but little by little like a fishing line being let out.  It wasn’t anything that was ever so problematic that it affected our relationship, but it was enough to make me take everything she ever said about her same sex attractions with a grain of salt.  I couldn’t ever get angry about it because to do so would be hypocritical.  We all deal with our issues in different ways.

And then it hit me.  It isn’t that she intentionally deceives about her past, but that she lets out enough at a time — tests the reactions — then lets out other things and she herself isn’t even aware of it.  I don’t honestly think she deals with the totality of her sin.  I know I don’t.  I came close one night and it brought me to my knees, crying, totally depressed.  (A good thing, in that it also made me aware of the intensity of grace.)  I think that what she did was just a form of defense, a way of survivng what could be a devestating blow of rejection in confessing the totality of her desires and her sins.

What I’m mulling today: is this defense, this unknowing parceling of the truth, also done with God?  Is it done with ourselves on an unconcious level, shifting and organizing the truth in our heads so it’s the most palatable?  And — perhaps crucially for our restorating — does this keep us from everything that God wants for us in becoming the whole, restored image-bearers of Him?

I was once offered, by the guy who led our SSA group, a chance to just sit and confess — get it all out.  He wouldn’t judge, just be a person to hear a confession and unburden yourself from it.  Every dark, horrible thing that Satan uses to keep us chained to sin and to the lies that keep us from really living a powerful, joyful life.  I never took him up on it; I was too ashamed at the time. 

I may end up doing it yet.

~ by WriterRand on December 24, 2006.

2 Responses to “The Defense of a Thousand Little Lies”

  1. To give a little light to your feelings about your female friend, I myself have learned more and more about the reasons for my SSA as time goes on. At the beginning of this journey, I would have said that my SSA was caused by my “father” issues. Then, a while later, I would have added “mother” issues. Then as time went on, “peer” issues, “body” issues, and several other “issues” would have come into my reasonings. It’s like what Paul wrote. Right now, we only see things in a very unclear glass. We don’t know everything about ourselves, nor do we know everything about someone else. I think God allows us to know a little at a time, because if He threw the whole load on us, we’d probably die under the burden of seeing ourselves too clearly all at once. And then again, like Janelle Hallman always says, female SSA is a very complex thing. When asked on Christian radio what the reason for it is, she stated that there were a variety of reasons. I know, in my own situation, that there are reasons upon reasons why I struggle with this. Interesting post.

  2. Thanks, Rheeb. That gives me a lot to think about; I always appreciate hearing from women on their issues. Sometimes I think men and women aren’t so different in this issue; at other times, we’re miles apart.

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