Frustrated in God’s Shadow

I’m going through a season of pretty severe frustration and depression.  It takes a considerable amount of quiet time meditating and praying to remind myself this is why we call it faith; a belief in God despite the fleeting emotions of the day.  Despite what we may think or feel, the knowing that God will be there in the thick of it, working with us and for us, and will never leave us.

I’ve been watching and kvelling over the Planet Earth series on the Discovery Channel.  There’s an uncomfortable similiarity in watching all of this, feeling like one of those fat, plump little winter yaks who are about to be brutally consumed by the snow leopard.  Faith is knowing and finding peace in the fact that my heavenly Father is the 2-ton daddy yak who will lean down and gore that snow leopard with his horn if he gets too close.

So where was I?  Oh yeah.  Frustration.  And nature documentary metaphors.

Sometimes I make the mistake of listing all the mountains that I must climb — my weight, my finances, finding a career before I get too old, the disability, the loneliness, finding some way to serve at church, the enormity of the church and having difficulty finding Jesus somewhere in the megachurch, my health…the list seems so endless and so enormous that sometimes I feel like I’m on the valley and all I can see are the sides of the mountain.  In fact, they’re not even sheer cliffs.  They’re more like those overhangs you see rock climbers tranverse; the ones that actually angle over the climber, forcing them to hang upside down at times, in order to find a strong footing.

But then I pray and God reminds me that every journey of a thousand miles begins with a trip to the ATM with a single step.  We are reminded to seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all the rest of this stuff will be added to us.  We no longer need to worry about whether or not we will be provided for.  If we take care of His work, the rest of it will come from the Father’s hand, always in perfect timing.  Yes, not so easy to believe when you don’t know from where the money to pay the next bill will appear, but no less true.

Sometimes it makes the intense desire easier to bear.  I’ve spent so much of my life unconcerned with the morality of sleeping around, solely fixated on satisfying those desires.  This season of frustration seems to be centered around the idea that my desires, wants, longings all need to be subjected to seeking Him first, and to finding His righteousness expressed in my daily life.  Difficult to remember when lusts and old temptations enter, but this is the point.  Training.  Being disciplined.  Waiting on Him.

Your prayers in this are appreciated.

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~ by WriterRand on April 2, 2007.

2 Responses to “Frustrated in God’s Shadow”

  1. I will pray.

    I saw an old friend yesterday who commented on my financial and living situation. He said,”How the mighty have fallen!”. Yes, I know what it is like to lose money and the stuff that goes with it. I told my friend that since heaven is my real home, these things just don’t matter much to me. Actually, I am far happpier now seeking God’s kingdom without the good job, house, car, etc. God has always provided what I needed. He will for you, too!

  2. First, I would like to say nice blog. Not an easy topic for the world at large, and that takes courage. I too, know about depression and faith and the complexities therein. I really don’t know what to say, but one day, you’ll wake up and realize everything is different. It’s a hope that I cling to.

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