Accentuate the Negative

Why is the negative so much easier to believe about ourselves than the positive?  I’m seeing it all over these days.

I’m reading “Way of the Wild Heart” again and John comes to this little paragraph that hit me hard and I struggle with the fact that I struggle with it:

The heart of the boy can be resurrected, and no matter what our age is now, we can KNOW that we are prized, that we have a place in our Father’s heart that no one and nothing else can rival.  We ARE his Beloved Sons, and we can begin to experience that in deeply personal ways.

A simple sentence.  A simple thought.  The inheritance we have because of grace made real in a very personal, emotional, meaningful way.

And sometimes it’s just so utterly impossible to believe.

It’s more than just guilt, I think.  Sure, it’s hard to believe that God looks at you as His Beloved Son, especially if you’re in the process of sinning and hurting yourself.  But even that sin does not change our relationship with Him as our Trusted Father.  We are prized.  Nothing and no one else can rival that place.  He sees us individually and love us individually, perfectly, and wants the absolute best for us.  Sometimes that means things we don’t like or appreciate at the moment.  And sometimes God enjoys giving us things we want for no other reason than He wants to and delights in our joy.  But do I believe that on a daily basis?  Do I live and love other people knowing this as a confidence-strengthening truth?

When I experience the brokenness of same-sex attractions, it is so hard to see the man that God sees.  God wants more for me, and better, than I do for myself.  (And I want a LOT for myself!)  I think we are, as John Piper puts it, too easily pleased.  Homosexuality is a false, temporary pleasure.  It is the immediate false intimacy I lust for, a cannibalistic ritual that seeks to possess or inherit the masculinity of another.  God has another, better idea.  God wants to repair what was broken, to reveal to me more and more His image of me, my true self, the one that He had in mind when I was created.  When I am in right relationship with God, to me my lustful thoughts are warning lights.  If they go off too often, it’s time to check in with Him and ask what’s going on, to spend time in close communication with Him, to read more of His Word and realize that it is not the end result that is my healing, but the journey.

It also means that I must risk more, even to the point of experiencing additional brokenness.  There is something weird and specifically unique to Christians about suffering.  Suffering blows and we’ll praise Him for it one moment, then turn around and keep quiet about other things for fear of additional suffering at the hands of the brothers and sisters that are here as fellow soldiers.

I think for me to overcome this fear of additional hurt, I need to first live in such a way that I trust God for the healing of whatever may come ahead of time.  I will trust Him that He will show me what I need to know from that hurt, how to be more human and less knee-jerk.  I will try hard to risk exposure — appropriately! — when it is most beneficial for the kingdom, even though it will cost me.  I must trust in this thing that I find so hard to believe, that God loves me deeply and prizes me as His Beloved Son.  I will trust that God will heal and provide as I move out and seek His kingdom first, work for showing others who were in the situation I was that no matter what anyone else says, God cares deeply and heals profoundly.  I will trust in His kindness, love, and fatherly goodness towards me when everything else in this world says not to.

It’s a scary place to be.  Sometimes I wonder if the lack of progress in my life is because of this fear.  I wonder what wonderous things are yet to come if I move to further believe and trust God’s passionate father’s heart for me.


~ by WriterRand on April 17, 2007.

One Response to “Accentuate the Negative”

  1. This is a really good post; I am slowly reading ‘The way of the wild heart’ as well. I really would like to think of myself as the “beloved son”, I think that would help the sensed lack of love in my life. I totally agree with how easy it is to focus on the negative side of things – I do this all the time. But I am gradually realising that the truth is actually a balance of the negative and the positive – and its not good to always focus on the negative – it can be quite depressing if you make a habit of it!

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