Hold Me

In my reading of blogs by other guys who deal with SSA, I have to admit I’m sort of surprised at how common this longing is, this need for Mr. Right.  For intimacy.  To hold and to be held by another man.  For completion and strength; to make the fears go away.

Sort of surprised.  But not a lot.

There are times I feel that way.  I have needs and fears and wants and frustations.  There are times I am so tired, so broken, that the walls of protection slide down and I think things I shouldn’t be thinking.  (One phone call.  That’s all it would take.)  There are times that I want that closeness and intimacy more than anything else, including obeying God.  I’ve had that intimacy.  I’ve had a LOT of that intimacy.  And the brokenness and heartache and terror that can come with it.

And here’s the kicker: I don’t think that desire is entirely wrong or entirely unhealthy; it’s what that desire can represent that can get us into progressively dangerous situations.  I think that if we take the time to examine what that desire is truly after, we might be better able to pray more precisely and to bring God into that desire, to have Him show us what we truly desire and what God desires to do with us.  So much of our same-sex desires are actually other things that we need discernment to judge what’s true and what’s illusory.  For me, and I’m speaking only for me at this point, it’s my desire to be the man I was created to be.  (Yes, and to clarify here: it isn’t that I don’t feel much like a man, but that I don’t feel like the man I desire most to be: the one God intended.  The one who holds and comforts another instead of needing to be held and comforted; the one who is strong and depended upon instead of the one who depends on another to take away the fear.  Etc. etc. etc.)

There are some aspects of this that I want to delve into more deeply.  We’ll bring the Word into this, we’ll examine what others are saying about this trait, but if this desire is/was a strong part of your life, comments will be deeply appreciated.  I think if maybe we can all dare to talk about this desire, we might find a way together to lessen the longing and to keep us away from anything that would distract us from being the men God intends.

So.  You with me on this?


~ by WriterRand on May 5, 2007.

9 Responses to “Hold Me”

  1. Yes, I feel the longing at times to physically express affection. God has certainly called us to love one another, but I must limit the physical expression of that to whatever would serve the other guy. I believe a hug or pat on the back would be a blessing for most guys, so that is often how I express myself. Certain insecure guys, especially if they are straight and know about my SSA, feel uncomfortable with a hug, so I just give them a handshake, punch, or whatever blesses them.

  2. HA!!!

    I’m so blessed to read these sharing and comments. Dear friends, I am so glad there are Christian people like you guys who step out and strongly choosing to do what is right and pleasing to God. I completely relate to all that you’ve said. There are certain times in the month when my hormonal level is high, I feel the urge to MASTURBATE, to think about sex (both heterosexual and homosexual), and longing for physical contacts. If you’ve ever watch the film ‘American werewolf’, you’d understand what I am trying to say. I will lock myself in the room, fasting, spending time with God, and killing my flesh. When I fast for God, I realise I know more about my desires like I’ve never done before. Try it, and see if this works for you.

    Back to the point of SSA, honestly, I have thousand crushes a day. I am no saint. But everytime I have crushes, I have to STOP whatever I’m doing to kneel down and pray. Jesus listens to us in those moments! And everytime I tell Him what I feel, my heart feels less attracted in half…The more I confess and repent, the less attraction I felt.

    Physical contacts turn me on. I can’t receive hugs because I know my limit. If I hug for too long, I will have an erection. I’m honest and I confess this. So, I don’t hug men too long. This is my PERSONAL rule. I don’t know what works for you, but this works for me.

    At times, you WILL realise that you don’t talk, discuss, or even think so much about SSA or physical contacts as much as before…This is what I am experiencing right now. If I stop feeding myself with these thoughts, my mind will stop being preoccupied with them. My goal is to keep being as near to God as possible, to occupy my mind with as many thoughts about God as possible, to avoid thoughts about homosexuality as much as possible, [if they come regularly and I think I cannot manage them, then I will stop my activities and fast and pray]./…. Man, this is how it works for me right now…TRANSFORMATION is real if we truly are commited, ready for action, and with full effort!

    God bless! You are more than welcome to visit and link to my page. Let’s share our love and strength in Christ!

    Your brother,

  3. Daniel, I think your page is still by invitation only. — formerlygay

  4. Interesting post. I noticed a few other posts about holding recently, too, and I was planning on writing about it. I guess you beat me to it.

    I think, for me, it goes both ways. I want reciprocity in a relationship. I want someone to be vulnerable to and someone who can be vulnerable to me, someone to protect and to be protected by. I think anyone wants this. I don’t think the desire is unique to SSA men and women. We all want to be held.

    I think the desire for non-sexual intimacy runs deeper than sexual intimacy. They are related, but one is more spiritual than the other, and thus we crave it more. So, I think it’s logical that men such as us who are giving up sexual intimacy (whether it be temporary or indefinite) will want more of the non-sexual intimacy.

    Becoming the man God wants you to be is what every man, gay or straight, has to do. I’ve never been one to think that I am more “broken” than the next guy, and for me, that has helped this situation. I like guys, and that’s not right, but it happened for a reason, and I want God to do what he can with it. I imagine that he can do quite a bit, and I look forward to it.

  5. Formerlygay, the address of my blog is now: http://www.transformthebeast.blogspot.com and its on the ‘anyone can view’ setting. So, there shouldn’t be a problem linking to mine. If you still experience it, please let me know.

  6. Jay: Great, great observations. I agree with you in so much of this, especially that the non-sexual intimacy can run deeper than the sexual intimacy. I don’t know how many times in my gay relationships I would have settled for just being near someone instead of going through and consummating the relationship. But that’s the rub, isn’t it? We take the need that we don’t understand and improperly eroticize it. We need to move backwards and understand that need, then bring Christ deep into it and feel it for what it is.

    Can I use your comments here as part of the next piece on this subject?

  7. “We take the need that we don’t understand and improperly eroticize it.”

    Do we, though? I’ve always seen sexual desires and emotional desires as two distinct entities. Opposite sides of the same coin, perhaps, but still separate from each other. It may be difficult, but emotional desires can be satisfied by friendships, family, and faith. I find that being celibate has caused me to elevate the importance of those three things higher than they would be if I had a steady girlfriend (or boyfriend, for that matter). And I suppose keeping myself busy with those has caused my sex-drive to come to a bit of a standstill. Oh well…

    Anyway, I think I’m a bit different than you in that I’m pursuing celibacy and you’re pursuing change. I wonder if that gives us different perspectives.

  8. Oh, and of course you can use the comment in a future post. I would be honored.

  9. Jay,

    I agree. Family, friends, and faith are elevated beyond where they would be if I were in a relationship. The non-sexual touching aspect of friendship is part of that.

    My very straight male friends sometimes tell me I value friendships too much and they think that is too “gay”. I try to tell them that my increased need for friendship is because I am celibate, not because I experience SSA.

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