Behind Daddy’s Knee

You ever watch a little kid go off and do something that scares him, with the confidence knowing that daddy’s right there, watching?  When the kid succeeds, LOOK AT ME, DADDY!

But when the kid fails?

He doesn’t run away from daddy, he runs right towards him, generally hiding behind him, putting the strong and capable daddy in between himself and The Scary Thing.

I think there’s a big lesson there.

This last week was one of the most difficult, most depressing, of the last seven years since I’ve been disabled.  God, who spent years providing for me, little by little, just in the nick of time, was letting more and more time go in between meeting needs.  I thought I was okay, I thought I was trusting him.  But little by little, I began to freak.  And to God, that freaking is a lack of trust.  So the more I began to freak, the longer and longer it would be before God would provide.  And areas where I thought I could go for emergencies, turned out to be only partial answers, or no real answers at all.  (In fact, one such attempt at finding help turned out to be a betrayal of the deepest and nastiest sort.)

In short, I failed to truly trust God, had only convinced myself and no one else that I was still trusting, and I was put into a hard position where I had to learn that trust all over again.

So naturally, with this matter of financial hardship and terror over not trusting, guess what ELSE reared its ugly head?

Uh-huh.  In fact, I will say that I have not felt that tempted and that pressured to give up in the nearly eight years of this journey towards sexual healing.  As a matter of fact, I very nearly did give in to temptations.

Instead, with the help of Pastor Clem’s sermon last week, on the first half of Jude and how we pervert grace, I ran and hid behind Daddy’s knee.

It’s not where I intend to stay; it’s safe, of course, but you also don’t live much of a life spent hiding in safety.  But for now, it’s good to be here.


~ by WriterRand on September 10, 2007.

5 Responses to “Behind Daddy’s Knee”

  1. Personally, for obvious reasons to those who know my past, I have difficulty with relating to “daddy’ as a source for protection. I think I relate more to the idea of God as the “rock” found throughout the Psalms such as Psalm 18:2, “The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

  2. I’m working on being re-fathered and figuring out what that means. I think we’re in somewhat the same boat, Rik. When it came to being protected or defended against some of the things that scarred me, I got none. Zero. Zip.

    So part of re-fathering, to me, is allowing God that role in my life, despite the wrong picture of him that’s lodged in my being.

    Or that’s where I’m headed today. Tomorrow may be something else entirely. 😉

    (BTW: We have a phone number for your use. Email forthcoming later today.)

  3. I’ve never known the details of your disability, but I’ll pray for your physical and spiritual healing nonetheless. Be at peace, friend.

  4. I have difficulty with relating to “daddy’ as a source for protection.
    But the Lord is our Heavenly Father. 🙂 He is the perfect father, none of our earthy fathers can be the match of his fatherly love. 🙂

  5. I have troubles with that, too. My father was not the best in the world at his job of fathering.

    But this is a key point for me in my relationship with Chirst; I am being re-fathered and learning from some pretty primal and basic levels what it truly means to be a man. I have trouble with authority figures, mostly from being let down by them on a constant basis, and I have my battles with God quite a bit. But he’s been teaching me — slowly — that He is trustworthy and seeks only my greatest, highest good. I can run to Him for protection and mercy and love and find it there every single time. It’s a hard, hard lesson to learn and I don’t claim to have come very far in it. But I’m further today than I was yesterday, and that for now is enouogh.

    BTW, welcome Justina. I’m glad you’re here.

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