I Wasn’t Even Aware I’d Quit

Let’s get real.  Lately, there’s been quite the tsunami of tshit that’s piled up in my life.  I got a letter from the state that calculated my participation fee for next year and let me know that my cost of living increase is about $40 — as it turns out, using Republican math, my COLA actually results in a $14 pay CUT.  We’re having problems at church and friends are angry, hurt and afraid over what’s happening.  Add to that other issues in relationships and physical problems, and…well, I’m weary.  I just finished a full draft of the pilot I want to put into my portfolio just so that I’d have something to re-write and it is…awful. 

I was meditating today and it occurred to me how much time I spend wishing and fantasizing for a life, any life, other than this.  There are times where in love, I just hold up the letters to God and have to ask, repeatedly, are you CERTAIN you know what you’re doing?  I strive and work and sweat and cry and bleed for a better life than this.

And to some extent, I think this is wrong.  You can work so hard to have a different life that you’re not present in your current one.  And that is me.

So there are problems.  So the problems seem insurrmountable.  Well, do I believe in a big God or not?  Do I believe that if I fight, He will be there?  That’s the crux of this blog, really, that in order to fight this fight of changing one’s orientation, you cannot do it alone.  You need to believe in a Higher Power and I do.  It’s just that his name is Jesus.  And tonight, I really came to believe it again in a new and more important way.

There’s a shift.  I am not writing this with clarity and that’s because this is all so fuzzy and new; but there’s been a change in my heart tonight.  It’s easy to run from a fight.  It’s harder yet to realize that you’re not present in the fight, but hiding in another world that does not truly exist.  It is a form of idolatry and a lack of trust in God’s ability to fight the fight for you.

I think somehow tonight things have changed for the better; not in my own external circumstances, but in my heart.

It is easy to run.  It is easy to give up on a person, a situation…even a church.  It is easy to bow down when things become painful and to pull up stakes and run away.

Not this man, not this time, and not for these reasons.

I am in the fight.  Maybe moreso now than the last few years.

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~ by WriterRand on December 17, 2007.

2 Responses to “I Wasn’t Even Aware I’d Quit”

  1. Hang on man. Things will get better, believe me. Just place your trust in God and it WILL all get better. Heck, I’ve been calling God daddy here lately just in order to feel closer to him and to help me trust him more. Seeing God like that really has helped me in a lot of ways, but it’s through trusting him like that and developing that sort of father/son relationship with him that’s helped me. It’s helped me to stop worrying so much and to feel like I’m not alone. Just hang on to God and know that he’s with you, always, fighting for you, and that he loves you very much. I am glad things are better now. You’ll be in my prayers. 🙂

    Brandon

  2. Yes, God is faithful to take care of us, His children.

    I will be back in town after Christmas. I will be praying.

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