Today I turn 47.

I am happier than I have ever been.  I have come to a new and powerful understanding of God’s love for me, and how it is the wellspring of my soul, vital to every other duty for which I am tasked.  I have been a witness to his love, tenderness and kindness towards me and have grasped for a fleeting moment the overwhelming epic nature of that gentle goodness. 

“Dude,” I dared to whisper to myself, “you’re on drugs.  It’s just the opiates talking.”  No, not like this.  Not even a little.  And if it is, then so?  It brought me back to the most important understanding of my heavenly Father: that He is just, that He is true and Holy, that He controls the heavens and the earth, yet cares for my soul and understands me in my weakness and shame.  He cares for the littlest things and wants SO MUCH FOR ME that I don’t understand.  I piddle on the things of God in my own shortsighted sins, I rebel and laugh and run away, yet He is always there, waiting for me to return.  His arms have never been less than wide open for me.  He thinks good thoughts about me and not only loves me, but genuinely likes me.  I am His creation and I bring God joy.  (Also heartache and grief and not more than a little anger, but why is that easier to grasp than the idea that God LIKES me?)

He sees my struggles with same sex attractions, yet it is His desire for me to find not only holiness and wholeness in my relationships with other men, but unparalleled joy.  And this has begun to happen, PRAISE GOD!  I feel like I am learning to walk again in this area, too.  I’m unsteady and unsure, and I might get some mushiness on you in the process, but — you ever see toddlers learning to walk?  The happy, giddy joy they have as mommy or daddy holds them up and takes their first steps with them?  That’s me, coming back to this central truth of my faith and experiencing it all over again, fresh and new.  Yes, I’m going to skin my knee on the coffee table, metaphorically speaking.  But it’s all part of the process.

Today I am still inpatient at Swedish, still working hard, still in pain.  And I have literally never been happier.  For this birthday I feel truly reborn.

So to my friends James, MR and Rik — I take great joy in you and will lift you up to the Father today, asking that He make himself known to you in exactly this way.  May you catch just a glimpse of the unmeasurable love and joy the Father has for you.

~ by WriterRand on February 20, 2008.

3 Responses to “47”

  1. Hey man, happy belated birthday. I’m glad to hear it was a good one. 🙂

    I hadn’t read your blog for a few weeks so I didn’t know about the accident. I hope your leg is healing and you’re on the mend.

    God bless ya.


  2. Thanks, bud. It was a great one. All evening long, surrounded by friends who love me. They say that as you get older, you don’t make new friends as easily and that you tend to lose the ones you have by time and distance. What crapola. I’m surrounded! A bigger blessing I could not ask for.

    It’s good to see you here. Don’t be a stranger.

  3. Happy birthday!

    I could say the same thing about new friends as I get older. As a Christian, I am making new friends all the time and still renewing old friendships. God is good!

    BTW, my father is surprising his doctors with improvement that wasn’t supposed to happen. They are now saying that he has NOTHING wrong at all. My plans are now uncertain in a good way.

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