So What *AM* I?

I think I’m done with the label ex-gay.

Let’s just start with the fact that the label is for something that I’m not rather than something that I am.  Second: it assumes that the process of re-orientation is complete.  That bothers me a great deal.  I think too many men and women get involved in programs at churches expecting a complete conversion.  Here I am, now what?  Seven years or so into this process? and I’m walking around here all upset because I have this strong, nearly overwhelming desire to be kissed.  Passionately.  By a man.  (And Mr. Right on top of it — where the hell did that come from?)

The part of this that upsets me so much is that this is right on top of a spiritual re-org that is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I’m confident in Christ’s love for me and I am confident in my salvation even though I struggle with sin on a daily basis.  I felt God’s love in a powerful and transformative manner.  I know God wants me in the fight and not to give up.  SO WHERE THE BLOODY HELL DID THIS COME FROM?  What does it mean?  What do I really want?  I’ve been trying to figure out why this has come on all of a sudden and my mind is blank.  (Although, I have to admit, things like this rarely come on suddenly.  Usually, unless there’s a trigger event, they are the result of a slower process that you generally aren’t aware of.)

So.  Ex-gay.  Not an option.  I’m thinking percentages, maybe S-80/G-20 or something.  But it has to be positive, and it has to address the idea that this process it not complete and, barring a sudden, total intervention from God, probably won’t be complete until I’m six feet under.

I dunno.  What do YOU think?

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~ by WriterRand on March 20, 2008.

8 Responses to “So What *AM* I?”

  1. My father is a retired physicist / engineer who literally had a career in rocket science. One thing he used to tell me was that you don’t understand a subject unless you can put numbers on it. Well, I just can’t put a number on this one. S-80/G-20 just doesn’t describe it for me.

    Jesus has been walking with me for decades, but sometimes I feel more like G-80/S-20. More often I feel like S-0/G-0. It varies. As I told JR a few months ago, when I am closer to God I do not feel more heterosexual, I feel more asexual.

    The way I look at it, our struggle against SSA is part of God’s process of sanctification where we love Him so much that we choose Him over sin. He actually is far better anyway!

    Any name we call ourselves should communicate something of our joy in choosing God over sexual sin. I like John Piper’s phrase “Christian Hedonist”, but that is so easily misunderstood and it doesn’t say anything about our sexual struggle. “Gay Christian” is not something I call myself, but maybe we could somehow use the ancient meaning of the word “gay” (happy). Someone should think of a phrase to say we are happy to pursue Jesus instead of gay sex. I don’t know, “a better kind of gay” or something like that, but obviously not exactly that; it sounds too cheesey and arrogant.

  2. As far as I know, Lent ended yesterday (Maundy Thursday)… And just in time for this post! How’s it been going! I’ve missed you guys.

    Anyway, I’m of the “why do you need a label at all?” school of thought. “Ex-gay” carries with it some assumptions that are, like you said, not exactly true for most of us. Simply be honest with people about who you are and what you’re struggling with. Some might still label you “gay” and others will call you “ex-gay,” based on their own definitions of what those words mean. But who cares? The only One who have to worry about representing yourself to is God.

    As far as “re-orientation” goes… I’d say good luck with it. If I was “S-80/G-20” I think I’d consider that a blessing and try to find a woman who fit into the 80%. After all, who needs to be 100% straight if you’re only going to give yourself to one woman, your wife.

    As it stands, I’m more “S-0/G-100.” Like my Christian brothers who I suppose we could say are “S-100/G-0,” I fight against lust, temptation, pornography, and a host of other sins that aren’t sexual at all (but tend to get overlooked because they aren’t particularly “controversial.”) I am confident that God will take me at the end of my life, because I believe in His Son Jesus Christ, no matter where my attractions lie. There’s a lot more important things about me to “re-orient,” in my opinion.

    Again, it’s good to be done with my Internet fast and able to comment! Take care, and Happy Easter!

  3. Jay: (Insert long, deep, heterosexual hug here.) It’s good to see you around here again. I applaud your internet fast. But I applaud your presence here even more!)

    Apparently this subject is going through the roof blog-stats wise. Looking forward to more voices contributing to this discussion.

  4. What are you? You’re a man who is a bearer of the image of God who is being re-created into the image of Christ to which you have been predestined. (Romans 8:29)

    Whatever you want to add to that is merely a temporal designation that will pass with time.

  5. I came to this conclusion. Hope it helps.

  6. I’m promoting this upward. This article is brilliant. —FG

  7. Oh my gosh, people like me! I’m adding you to my google reader!

  8. You bet we are. Welcome, uh, kylsmi2. (Is that kyl for short?) Here’s a short, heterosexual, non-threatening, non-sexual embrace. Welcome in the name of Jesus. I look forward to hearing more about you!!

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