Deeper in the Game

It astounds me that I’ve been at this blogging thing for years.  Never intended to, it’s just been a comfort to have a place to record thoughts, impressions, slivers of this world that go whistling by without notice.  A lot of the time, you could tag these posts NO BIG DEAL.

Today is an important day.  It marks the day I made the decision to put all the chips on the table, to go further, to get completely involved in the game.

The weight had been getting way way out of control and I knew that there was a need to do something more than I’ve been doing.  My friend Richard comes by to help with stretching and keeping my big disabled butt flexible.  Hard to do after snapping one’s femur in half, then having it replaced with the frame of a ’67 Chevy.  I told him of my frustrations of being treated like a professional patient, that the labels of “athlete” vs. “disabled” were important to me, and that somewhere I was praying, dreaming of another personal trainer, a trainer who would GET me and find those buttons and be able to take me further and faster beyond where I’ve gone before.

And oh yes, don’t let the huge weight fool you.  I once went into the gym to lose weight and ended up losing weight, gaining muscle, and developing friends I have to this day.  I also ended up with a hyper-charged libido and went through some of the worst, most shameful periods of my life.

It’s important to note this because I’ve already had a cursory meeting with this trainer.  I find as the years go on in this journey of struggle, my “type” gets smaller.  Fewer men make my meter “blip” as it were.  This trainer pegged the frickin’ meter.  7 feet.  200 lbs., if an ounce.  2% bodyfat.  Kind face.  Masculine.

Danger?  Hmm…dunno.  No sign that he’s gay or chubby chaser.  But it wouldn’t matter if he was; the point of all this is that this needs to get done.  There is an objective here and if we don’t meet it, it could kill me.  The war must be fought, but in order for me to do so, it means that I’m going to have to get involved on a deeper level and take what are some very obvious risks in this struggle.  It is one thing to segregate one’s life into safe little compartments.  Compartments are easy to hide in.  But this hiding, this craving for safety is precisely my problem.  If I want this, this reduction of weight and health concerns, then it’s up to me to get it in the way that God provides.  I asked him for a trainer, here’s a good one for free.  My physical muscles aren’t the only ones to get strengthened and toned; the spiritual battle needs to come up a notch.  The work that’s been done so far in this journey needs to be taken further out on the road and tested.  If this means that I go back to my hyper-sexualized libido, then that’s fine.  I’ll deal.  There may be times I’ll even regret this decision.  I’d rather try and stumble than to sit here, spiritually weak, not learning any more on how to trust God during these times.

So mark the calendar.  Today’s the day.  All my chips are in.  There’s no turning back.

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~ by WriterRand on March 17, 2009.

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