Wholesale Change

It’s been a couple of years.

Much has happened in the interim.   Marriage equality for gay people has become much more accepted; many states now have it legalized.  At the same time, the years are taking their toll.  I’ve become what I’ve feared most: an old man with a cat.

And there’s this question, a question that I haven’t heard an answer to, a question that haunts.  People have tried to write it off with various explanations, but nothing satisfies.  I’ve prayed about it, and received a strange peace about it, and a feeling that God’s not worried that I’m asking this question, and that it’ll be okay.  This is the question:

If it is not good for man to be alone, then why did God make me something that, in order to please Him, must inherently be alone?

Yes, yes, it’s my sin nature and it can’t be redeemed unless I marry a woman.  No, God didn’t make me this way, I chose this way.  God turned me over to this state of mind because I worship the creation instead of the Creator! (I’ve known since I was five–isn’t that a touch early to lay down the theology hammer?) (This was also the Mars Hill p.o.v. when I left, btw.)

Yes? No? Yes,you’ll be alone and it’s a sacrifice to make for God!  You have the gift of celibacy!  (I have the receipt and I want to exchange it.)

So, unlike when I left this blog, I have a heart full of questions and wounds and no other place to work them out but here.

Mercy.

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~ by WriterRand on June 20, 2013.

One Response to “Wholesale Change”

  1. I haven’t seen your blog FG for a couple of years. I commented on the Lonnie Frisbee article back then. Sounds like you’ve been through a lot.

    Seriously bro, maybe you need to think outside the box. What do you want most in life? Really, what is the thing that is most important to you? Reading a bunch of your entries lately I’d say its pretty obvious. You want companionship, you want intimacy and you want connection with someone who wants to be connected to you passionately as well. You aren’t bisexually oriented; not your makeup. You want to get married and have the adventure and security, affection and love that a healthy commitment can provide for the rest of your and your partner’s life. FG, take a deep breath and just say it: you want a husband.
    Its OK, the sky isn’t going to fall and its not the end of the world. In fact for you, it will be the beginning. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 13 years and we dated 2 years before that. My life has changed infinitely for the better, just as you would expect a man’s life to change when they meet a guy they can love and cherish and share the joys, fears, risks and day to day issues of life together. Journeying alone is a choice and you don’t have to choose it. Being alone doesn’t make you a better person and may make you a worse one, because sharing our lives gives us a chance to grow more loving day in and day out.
    I am willing to continue this discussion if you are interested. You have my email address.
    Best wishes on your journey.

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