I’ve changed my health care from the University of Washington to Swedish Medical Center.  My first appointment about the radiology testing that was done will be on Monday.  It’s then we’ll schedule the open bone biopsy.  After that, we’ll know whether all this is cancer, and what we’re dealing with.

I’ve come to the point where I feel the problem now, especially laying on a very hard mattress.  it’s there and it’s deep.

I had a great lunch with my friend James.  James has been a good, loyal, steadfast friend through all these years.  (We met after he started commenting here.)  I made what might have turned out to be a large mistake.  I do believe that when you speak the things that are inside your head, you give words an intense power.  And I told him that I am considering foregoing treatment for this mass, if it is indeed cancerous.  I am poor, overweight, disabled, unemployed, dealing with profound and horrible loneliness attached to this whole gay issue.  So I am treated and lose so much of what I’ve worked hard to recover these last two and a half years?  To what end?  To what purpose, what quality of life?  To fight hard and get well as I can go back to being poor, with no life, no love, no future?  No hope but to wait the years and months until Heaven?

Whatever for?  Why?  Is this God’s best and highest for me?  Is this my role, to fight hopeless odds for the rest of my life for worthless ground?  I know God Himself did none of this to me; He did, however, allow it.  To make me fight in this endless war He’s already won, to strengthen and sharpen me.  But it all feels like overkill:  Enough of the fighting for worthless treasures.  I am tired of fighting, I am tired of losing, and I am tired of my life being doled out in dribbles, only to escape my grasp and roll down the drain.

As James stated, and I agree, it is useless to fight these questions until I know anything for certain.  That much is true and I hold onto that as the rest of the battle rages on.  I fight, however, with the cold dread that I may have popped a cork from of the bottle and some horrible black djinn just escaped to finish me and the fight once and for all.


~ by WriterRand on April 26, 2014.

One Response to “Monday”

  1. I have struggled with why go on, loneliness, questioning God’s love for me. I think you are terrified to be intimate, to bring your true self to another gay man and hope for a relationship but be disappointed because it did not work out. Well, sitting there isolated is not working. Get yourself to a gay affirming church, LGBT center, or start connecting with Christian gays via the internet and allow yourself to be who you are. God loves you regardless. You do not love you. Stand alone and you WILL be wiped out God made us for relationship. Accept the people Jesus sends into your life. Quit judging. Quit being around and filling your life with judging people and trying to please them. Love is hard to accept when you feel so worthless about yourself. Find some gay christian friends who has gone through what you have gone through but now are living better lives having gone through it can help you with your doubts and self rejection. It does not have to be this way. There is hope. There is life in Christ and being gay

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