I’ve changed my health care from the University of Washington to Swedish Medical Center. My first appointment about the radiology testing that was done will be on Monday. It’s then we’ll schedule the open bone biopsy. After that, we’ll know whether all this is cancer, and what we’re dealing with.
I’ve come to the point where I feel the problem now, especially laying on a very hard mattress. it’s there and it’s deep.
I had a great lunch with my friend James. James has been a good, loyal, steadfast friend through all these years. (We met after he started commenting here.) I made what might have turned out to be a large mistake. I do believe that when you speak the things that are inside your head, you give words an intense power. And I told him that I am considering foregoing treatment for this mass, if it is indeed cancerous. I am poor, overweight, disabled, unemployed, dealing with profound and horrible loneliness attached to this whole gay issue. So I am treated and lose so much of what I’ve worked hard to recover these last two and a half years? To what end? To what purpose, what quality of life? To fight hard and get well as I can go back to being poor, with no life, no love, no future? No hope but to wait the years and months until Heaven?
Whatever for? Why? Is this God’s best and highest for me? Is this my role, to fight hopeless odds for the rest of my life for worthless ground? I know God Himself did none of this to me; He did, however, allow it. To make me fight in this endless war He’s already won, to strengthen and sharpen me. But it all feels like overkill: Enough of the fighting for worthless treasures. I am tired of fighting, I am tired of losing, and I am tired of my life being doled out in dribbles, only to escape my grasp and roll down the drain.
As James stated, and I agree, it is useless to fight these questions until I know anything for certain. That much is true and I hold onto that as the rest of the battle rages on. I fight, however, with the cold dread that I may have popped a cork from of the bottle and some horrible black djinn just escaped to finish me and the fight once and for all.